THE INDIAN PREMIER LEAGUE – 2016

This is a Projection based on total imagination : Although the names are real , all these “reports” are totally fictitious , just for a good laugh. Remember a laugh , even at one self does wonders for the soul.

Cricket and Politics have always held hands and been strange bedfellows right from our own Pataudi standing for elections, Sidhu and Azharuddin too to boot – Jeyasuriya winning one recently in neighbouring Sri Lanka.

Cricket Administration with its Powar , I mean Power has attracted politicians of all shades and Parties. Jaitly and Narendra Modi to name just a few.In the Post Independance era Big businessmen took over from the Maharajahs who ran and played the Game alongside the Brits. Now the mix is the Political Business of the Game….

Let us see what may happen. Shashi Tharoor is a visionary, a fore runner for he opened the eyes of the politicians to the fact that they need not fight hard battles and later legal ones to take control of the cricket machinery of a State , all they need to do is to acquire an IPL Team.

The year 2011 saw new electoral alliances both in Politics and Cricket. This was the post Lalit Modi era. Readers may remember the expose that all Channels , after the Sun TV Network splashed it all over , ran of the Nithyananda like episode involving him and two starlets , one of whom , an Ammu Kutty from Vadaserikara was found to be underage. Modi claimed that she was planted by “politicians of Malayalee origin” keen to destroy him.

Sri Shashi Tharoor who was the Chairman of Satyam Computers claimed a moral victory and that he had nothing to do with this as he was in Mogadishu working out a deal for his company.

In any case the PM’s office quickly stepped in and the BCCI appointed Sri Rahul Gandhi , the IPL commissioner.

The BCCI President Shri. Narendra Modi , (whose election was a political masterstroke suggested by the Tamil Nadu Leader M.Karunanidhi , thereby mollifying the Gujaratis and the saffron groups in one stroke) , was being ably assisted by Vice Presidents Sri Rahul Bajaj ( that kept the Industrialists quiet) and Mrs Deepika Mallya, wife of Liquor Baron Vijay Mallya’s son.

Readers may be well aware that Mr Mallya was also the first successful man to take his Team as a Public Limited company , issue Shares ( currently quoting at 16 paise – Face Value of Rs 100.) as against the Mumbai Indians whose share is quoting at Rs 1,234 , face value Rs 10.

Needless to say the aggrieved Ambani sibling claims that the price is rigged and that his brother has hived off the entire share premium generated –a staggering 17,000 crores and is promoting the Indian Premier Kite flying League in West Bengal with the active help of Shri Pranab Mukherjee. He also accused his brother of divesting over 70 percent of his shares in the company.

Thereby gaining in total a staggering 73,000 crores.This charge was totally denied by the Companies Cricket CEO and former Player Mohammed Azharuddin. The Board’s Secretary was Shri. Jagmohan Dalmiya and the Treasurer Ms. Kani Karunanidhi. You will also recall that she had shortened her name to facilitate it’s easy pronounciation by all Indians , especially Tamils. Her step brother Azhagiri however retains his name .

The last appointment you will recall came about as the earlier Treasurer had sold his Team , the Chennai Super Kings to Kalanidhi Maran for an undisclosed sum believed to be in excess of 3000 crores (although the Market Value of the Team was easily 10,000 plus crores.) and shortly thereafter the company went Public – An IPO of 25 percent shares valued at 4000 crores.

As a quid pro quo for his suggesting the Election of the BCCI President , Sri Karunanidhi swung the appointment of the Treasurer and to sweeten the pill back home in Tamil Nadu he was able to obtain Two new franchises for Tamil Nadu , the Madurai Marauders owned by Dayanidhi Azhagiri and the ECR Easyriders owned by Gunanidhi Stalin. The entire cricketing community was aghast at the fact that a single state had 3 franchises.

They were all mollified when Smt. Sonia Gandhi, threatened to resign as the Patron of Indian Cricket and all dissent died down. Shri L.K.Advani and his spokesperson Shri. Jaitly , called on Sonia Ji and briefed her about the affairs of the DDCA and how Virendra Sehwag has been successfully bought back from the clutches of the Kolkatta Knight “Red”ders – note the change of name which happened when the ownership went from Shah Rukh Khan to the nephews of Buddhadeb and Prakash Karat.

This was of course possible as the Polit Buro had cleared all these dealings even before it happened. This of course left the heir of the home Minister, PC , extremely unhappy as his similar request - for a franchise "The Chettinad Chutneys" was not cleared by the CWC. ( A procedure followed post the Shashi Tharoor controversy)

The Pune Punishers bought over by the Thakarey Group ( a wholly owned subsidiary of Raj and Udhdhav Thakarey, captained by Ajit Agarkar and his team ( Salgaonkar, Wadekar Jr , Rohan Jr , Jaideep Sardesai , etc ) of Pure bred Maharashtrians has just resolved to admit a few “foreign” players like the three Khan lads (children of Shah Rukh, Salman and Aamir) as they are second generation Mumbaikars and have no links with any other State and as they could not play for the Mumbai Indians being under age at 13, 11 and 7 respectively. This was considered a master strategy politically for they had by this erased the “Hindutva” tag at one go. The first Child of Sania and Shoaib being a Girl was also being considered , more on that later. Sources say that the Ministry of Child welfare may well object and Arnab Goswami had already started a stink on "Child labour". Rajdeep Sardesai was being circumspect.

Laloo Prasad Yadav and Navin Patnaik have resolved their internal differences and a new look Team under the Captaincy of M.S.Dhoni is likely to enter the Tournament - “The Kalinga Konquerors” . Ram Vilas Paswan though has objected to the fact that the Team is not truly “Mandalised”. This sentiment was echoed by Mayawati and Anbumani Ramdas – who is miffed that his bid for a Team the “ Panrutti Payalgal” was rejected on grounds that the owners were fictitious and no such persons existed on the electoral roles. Mayawati’s team the “Ambedkar Adventurer’s” will however be Mandalised over the next few Season’s said a franchise spokesperson.

Selvi J.Jayalaitha , has claimed that IPL must reach the Tribals , and has suggested that they Play a few matches in Kodanad – she has assured that a world class Stadium will come up there. Much against her wishes her Party wants to name it as the Puratchi Thalavi Stadium and the IPL Team – “ Jaya – Sashi Josiars”. This name suggests that more than the Coach and Physio all decisions will be based on the Projections of "amma's" astrologers/Vasthu consultants/Priests/Numerologists and Sashikala's nephew who is a big cricket fan"

The reason this cannot happen say Political Pundits is that she wants the IPL Commisioner to come to her house and collect the needed signatures and that the entire BCCI working committee must join her for Breakfast and request her to join the bandwagon. They are to report at the main gate at 6 AM , gates will open at 8 AM and breakfast will be served at 9.30 AM , the next day.

Needless to say , with 32 Teams – a total of 4 groups and a League of the 3 winners in each group in another League the IPL runs into 10 months and 360 odd matches. Most Cineplexes have a dedicated Theatre for IPL and there is an add on Film as a bonus shown as well both before and after a match. As IIT’s , IIM ‘s and all other Colleges have had no takers – no one scoring the minimum marks to qualify for admission , they have all been converted to Sports Acadamy’s .

Brinda Karat and Mamta Bannerjee are proposing a bill to amend the rules so that each team will have at least 3 women players. This Bill was neutralised when , after much acrimony , Smt Sonia stepped in and proposed that 30 percent of all profits from the IPL will go to Women related causes. Smt Neeta Ambani was quick to point out that her franchise had already taken this up and in fact had spent over 37 percent last year. One of the Tamil Nadu franchises has taken up the rehabilitation of Ms. Ranjeetha ( of Nithyananda fame) while the Cochin franchise is actively considering the case of Ms.Sunanda Pushkar.

Bollywood , Kollywood and even Hollyood is hoping that like the “Mega Serial” , this IPL phenomenon too will fade away. Meanwhile just to add glamour a mixed sex Team of Stars is being considered – one each from North and South. Talks are on as to who will Captain the Tamil side – Vijaykanth fans have gone on fast that by virtue of his name their “thalaivar” alone has the right to be "Captain". Ajith appealed to the CM , that actors like him should not be "forced" to Play as racing and not Cricket was his passion, he assured the CM that he will gladly race even a bi cycle to protect the pride and honour of the Tamils.

Rajinikanth is considered for the post of Coach and Kamal has left for a 6 month tour of England/Australia and South Africa to study the Cricket leagues there. He has already suggested a few changes on the basis of the Japanese Karate League of which he claims to be an avid fan , in fact the only fan from India. Vijay’s father is waiting to see what will happen and if Vijay is be called for a ‘regular” team itself , if so which one to Join ? Hence , Vijay is busy shooting in Mauritius.

The "Nadigar Sangham" - the actors Union is divided as the President and Vice President do not see eye to eye Politically and the Secretary is an avid "Gilli" fan. The Treasurer along with 5 of the committee members have all decided that "Marbles" will be a safer game to play. The TV actors Union not wanting to be left behind assured the CM of their fullest co operation as in any case post IPL no TV actor was getting any work and all channels were only re telecasting the old serials - Chiththi was doing its 7 th re run , its first at the old slot time of 9.30 PM.

A separate “religious” crowd has started another movement – If they can play at Dharamsala – where the Dalai Lama is, why not play at Sringeri , Poori , Kancheepuram , and other Holy places for Hindus , they have threatened to dig up all the pitches with a “Trishul”. There are some rumblings on Naagore and Velankanni being adopted by a few franchises keen on scoring brownie points from the minorities.

The chief spokesman for the minorities Shri N.Ram , the editor of " The Secular" , (yes, they changed the name after a brief power struggle in the company before it was bought over by the Pope and Al Jazeera newspaper group ) whole heartedly supported this move and spoke at length on National Television to Barkha Dutt , another espouser of the cause.

AYYO , where is all this going ?